Over the course of this year I'd like to think that I've matured quite a bit. Not to the extent of rediscovering myself or being ready to face the world on my own, but instead realizing more about who I am and about the world around me. Upon reflection and being away from home for about seven months now, I laugh to myself as i realize what a bratty little kid I must have been in the past. I was getting on my parents' nerves all the time, never doing my chores the first time they asked, all in all what I think must have been a huge pain in the ass. We never stop to realize that our parents go to work all day, hopefully come home to eat dinner with the family, and then finish the extra work that they brought home, working into the late hours of the night. Other parents drive their kids to school, perhaps attend a yoga class in the morning, and spend the rest of the day cleaning the house, working at home, shopping for groceries, chauffering their underage kids around to their multiple extracurriculars, cooking for the family, and scrubbing, dusting, wiping, folding, cleaning. Only to have this little ungrateful son of a bitch come home with his sweaty volleyball uniform and expect a hot dinner to be waiting for him which he did not even help prepare. As a kid my excuse was always that my parents had already lived their teenage years, or 'You're a parent, isn't this what you signed up for?', but what kind of fair world do you think we live in? Our parents almost definitely did not have the same luxuries we have now (not counting the technological advancements that have attributed to my disgust of certain aspects of the human race). And now that I am able to reflect clearly, as a grownup, I don't know if I could have been able to handle the kid me. Being away from home makes you think; it gives you an outsider's perspective of your life. I wouldn't have had the energy or the patience to keep up with a hyperactive teenage boy (not to mention I have a sister) and do all of the work that needs to be done with little heed to my own desires and escapes from a bleak, monotonous, and seemingly unfair world. So now every time I come home for break or just a short weekend, I put in the extra effort to be as helpful as I can to my parents because I know that I have so much to thanks them for. And I hope that someday I can be as good a parent as they were to me. (I just got a little homesick ha) (of course I should have known all this earlier, so that's why I feel so bratty)
Another thing that has constantly been picking at my brain is a huge sense of guilt that I have about being me. Not being Kevin, but being me, who I am. And I let this nagging perturbation persist, even welcome it. Why? Because I feel guilty about so many things. Not necessarily things that I regret, but let me give you and example. Our first math midterm was ridiculous, leaving most of my friends in a near hysterical state after leaving entire pages blank. So I walked out of that class feeling like crap. But then, for some reason, the thought of children in Ethiopia (I'm not trying to be racist here) and that made me feel so incredibly bad, guilty that I thought getting a bad score on a test was a bad situation. This issue of guilt is far from being new to me, and I have undoubtedly spoken to some of you about this topic at length over the past couple years. This feeling of guilt, this unfairness (in my favor) stems from the feeling that I do not deserve to be where I am, being born into my elevated social situation where I don't really have to worry about money. Ok, I'm not rich or famous or anything, but what I'm talking about is that my family isn't in fear of having no money, and I can foresee food on our table in a house my family is most likely not going to be forced out of. Why was I born into a situation where I can play in my free time, where I am a completely healthy human being, where I have the PRIVILEGE of going to school. Why are there other kids born into poverty, where they must sell gum on the side of the street, or endure child abuse, or take care of their 7 younger siblings while their mother sells her body on the street to feed her family once a day, or be in constant fear for their lives in a war-stricken residence (figuratively and literally). Why am I so lucky to be able to complain. When I have really done nothing to deserve these luxuries of life? I was a spoiled, bratty kid.
Now do you understand who the 'me' I was talking about is? I let this guilt persist because it reminds me that I can not waste the life that I have. That there are some people who would give up everything they have to spend one day in my shoes. It is the motivation for me to be the best person that I can be; I don't want to be a disappointment.
Maybe I'm supposed to do something with this privilege. Help the world, even if it is only one person at a time. Most of you know I am not religious, so I don't exactly believe that I was chosen to be a savior. Hell, I doubt that I could be, seeing that I'm still working on trusting myself. But if I could make a difference in a few people's lives, wouldn't it all be worth it? The opportunities that I have, the choices that I will make, they all define who I am and who I can be. Some people would say that if helping people makes you feel good, then isn't that just being selfish? But how can helping people be selfish? Helping people should not make you miserable; I believe that helping others SHOULD feel good. Maybe that is why I strive to be nice to everyone I know. Maybe that is why I hide my own frustrations, because in the world sense, my problems aren't all that important. But I hope that I can be.
Ok, well if that was slightly depressing to you, I'm sorry. The next part is more reflective about the good old days.
Well, I looked at my bucket list that I mad with some other friends back in senior year, and I've accomplished a few of the things on there. Mainly the "get into college" part. This past year has been amazing. Since last May I lived through AP testing, spent the amazing last months of senior year having fun with my friends, and enjoyed all of the free time that i "deserved" from the 4 years of rigorous studying that I never actually did (no lie, I studied maybe an hour or two a week, and that was before senior year.) I came to appreciate music and the talent of those musicians by going to our school concerts, and always will be envious of the torture my friends had to endure though music lessons. Haha. I traveled to Europe with the music department, one of the highlights of my entire life because of the bonds of friendship that kept me from being down. I have acted the counselor and been counseled, and I have been designated as a human pillow. I did discover the world of partying, although you should be glad to know that alcohol is not an ingredient for fun. I had a massive bike accident which gave me some pretty gnarly wounds, and of which my friends love to aggrandize (first I was attacked by the mountain, then a mountain lion, then a shark?!?!) I discovered the ecstasy of jalapeno bagels, and become known as a human garbage disposal for food. I've received a lot more freedom from my parents (either they trust me more or are finally tiring of my and this is a sign they are trying to kick me out?) And of course, college. There is always the sad part of the next episode of your life where you realize that all of your friends are going in different directions and people will gradually drift away. That is why these reunions during breaks are so much more valuable. And I made many new friends at college (yay). I know I'm slow to open up to people, so my small number of good friends here will hopefully grow in the next couple of years. I know they'll never replace the personalities I grew to love in high school, but both sets of friendships deserve a part of my attention. Davis had been very exciting, what with the new scene, people, and atmosphere. Some escape from drama, but some still exists. Oh well, what are you going to do? I signed my next year's apartment lease, so I'm super excited about moving in, and if anyone ever needs a place to stay/party while up here, I'd be glad to have you. That's basically life now in a nutshell. I know I've forgotten something but it's alright. Do I have any regrets? Yes, of course I do, and I can't say that I would never choose anywhere else to go to college because there are so many good schools. But I am very happy with where I am, and regrets go both ways. Even if I had chosen another school, I would always have wondered what life would have been like if I had gone to Davis, and I know that choice is going to stick with me forever. Not necessarily bug me, but i'll always be there. Every choice does.
And I'm glad to have met the people that I have met. Of the new friends I have made, I've found people who love sports, love being outside, love being lazy, love the same tv shows, basically love doing the things I love doing. Some make me laugh and some are the best to have deep talks with. Some agree with me on so many things and some open my eyes to new viewpoints and possibilities. I still get harassed by other so called "friends," but they're my friends, all the same. And because of them I am lucky.
Oh yea, and here's my Tumblr I created a couple weeks ago. I'll use that for pictures and funny stuff, and probably continue to use this every once in a while when I have something deep to ponder about.
But I can't talk about my whole life on an impersonal blog; the weather is just too beautiful outside right now to stay in here all day and type to people of the future. Come find me and we'll have a deep discussion, face to face. Those are the best ones.
Have a wonderful life :)
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