Brotherhood

It's been a while, and I've been meaning to get around to writing this post, but since it's taken so long, I've decided to add in some concluding remarks and rough reflections. (I'm super tired, so this is going to be college paper quality. And by that, I mean done haphazardly and without proofreading.) :)

So fall quarter 2011 was a butt kicker. GPA crashed; was constantly tired, irritable, and disoriented; and started swearing a butt load. Why? Pledging. Of course. The end to probably the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. People say that I will miss it, but I think I can wait on that feeling. Actually, in all honesty, I don't think I will miss it, because I will not let myself become "one of them*." That will be explained soon. For now what I'm grateful for is that I finally finished the process and made a bunch of amazing relationships with some awesome people. So some non-spoilers of my process: Sometimes we called it Orientation. In anger we'd call it pledging. There were definitely moments of weakness where I was surprised at how far I could push myself and quite a few near-mental breakdowns that were shared with my friends. And those 12 other people, my pbros and psises, we have all gotten each other through so much. Event details aside, many people saw us running at the ARC or walking in crowds to the library or spending all our waking hours in front of the Silo. We weren't supposed to tell anyone we were extended bids, but everyone found out eventually. Good friends always do.

Overall I went through a lot more than I expected, going into this process thinking that I had heard enough stories and rumors over the past couple of years to mentally prepare myself. Boy, the last 2 weeks definitely showed me. I felt academically irresponsible, completely overwhelmed, stressed for 90% or my waking hours, out of control of my life, saw my housemates probably 20 minutes a week collectively, and was constantly irritable and angry. Shoot, we had some bad moments, namely us almost exploding into a million shards of anger, or venting into 13 very "professional" and motivated assassins. But my class is what got me through this. We all needed each other, and I will never be able to appreciate them enough.

Would I ever go through this again? For now, my answer is no, and I honestly don't see that answer changing. But then again, I never thought that I would be a Frat Boy.

So here is where I share my emotions or thoughts, those feelings I never really express. Why do I refer to "them*" as if I were an outsider? Because to me, even though having been accepted into the fraternity, I don't want to be completely like them. The pledges always heard "you'll miss this someday" or "everyone had to do it," but you know what. That is complete platypus SHIT. I think I have a better understanding of myself than most people, and I KNOW that I would never do certain things to people. There are things that I don't approve of, which should be present in any relatively new process, and I definitely think some of my ways of teaching lessons and handling situations than those of others. In all honesty I feel like I can take a fairly accurate 3rd party assessment of this and be unbiased, but think whatever you want. This is MY writing. I feel that empathy is one of my strengths, and I can understand and even support my opponent's views if they are reasonable (case in point: need for fear to learn). I want to keep my own identity even having joined my frat. I can't stand people who join something just to reinvent themselves because they want to be someone different. Don't lie to yourself, don't lie to others about who you are. I might be changed by the people who I meet and what they can teach me, but I will not relinquish who I am. THAT is what is important to me.

Hmm. I think I started to lose my train of thought, and left out something important that I was meaning to say. I'll edit this after I think about this on the plane.

So closing thoughts before I go to sleep:

• May I not forget the lessons I've learned, because those will guide me when I am trying to teach others
• May I be able to make the right choices in becoming the person that I want to be
• May someone beat me up if I turn into a frat boy douche bag.

Edit - New year coming around. How about we take some time to think about what we want to achieve for ourselves.